Million Dollars, But… Magic Dogs & Muscle Men | Rooster Teeth

Million Dollars, But… Magic Dogs & Muscle Men | Rooster Teeth

Burnie: Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of A Million Dollars But… We have Colton Dunn with us and Chris Demarais Chris, why don’t you start us off with your scenario Chris: A million dollars… Burnie: That’s a lot of money Chris: But for one year everywhere you go, you are pushed in a baby stroller by an incredibly strong, muscular man wearing like a tiny like muscle shower outfit Burnie: What abou- I mean, so literally everywhere I wanna go Let’s say I’ve had a long day I go home, I go to sleep Chris: He’s there, he put you in the bed and he kinda like spoons you Burnie: Oh he sleeps with me? Chris: Yeah yeah Sometimes too when you’re like Say you go and you’re reading a book Burnie: Right Chris: He’s just flexing and exercising right behind you so that’s how he maintains his physique he’s just like Colton: So when he’s not needed he’s just working out close by Burnie: Even like a regular scenario What if you’re dating your girlfriend and you’re like going to bed Even if you’re sleeping with your girlfriend, he’s sleeping there with you? Chris: Yeah, he can just hang out on the side and kinda hang out Burnie: Is he awake? Chris: I mean yeah he can go to sleep, it doesn’t matter. It’s up to him. Colton: So like, what if he takes you to like a sad event like if he takes you to like you know the hospital bedside of your like dying mother Chris: I think he would have a moment of sadness where he might cry and then he’d start working out Colton: He would share the pain and then work out Burnie: Flexing and working out Colton: I will say that there’s a great benefit to this though ’cause you could go out, you could get so drunk all the time and you would never have trouble walking anywhere or driving a car You could just get tanked Burnie: It’s like the police officer stops you and is like “Have you been drinking tonight?” and you’re like “Fuck you!” Colton: “Fuck you cop, why don’t you go talk to my friend” (laughter) Burnie: A million dollars… but for one year, we gotta be wheeled around by a dude Colton: He’s oiled up Burnie: He’s oiled up and muscly Colton: I’m in, I’m in Burnie: For a year? I would do it too It’s a year, I’ll do it Colton: Not only do you get a Million dollars, all right but you also can go to any movie you want For free But, through the duration of the film spaghetti is constantly flowing out of your mouth (laughter) Just falling out of your mouth Burnie: Is it just me? Or can I bring friends to the movie too? Colton: What, do you get them in for free and get them the good seats? Then spaghetti comes out of their mouths too Burnie: (laughs) Out of their mouths? Colton: Yeah Chris: Does it hurt? Is it like you’re vomiting? Colton: Nooo it just, it just happens it just kinda happens Burnie: So is this spaghetti gross or could I like sell it Colton: Hey man, that’s capitalism Chris: Start an Italian dinner store Colton: Yeah! Chris: And you’d be like the spaghetti man And you just sell all, you just collect in the bucket Colton: Collect it in like a big tin, and pour some sauce on it and sell it Chris: Bring all your friends you get hundreds of friends and you’re just all vomiting You can end world hunger Burnie: All right. Million dollars Chris. Free movies. What are you doing, you doing it? Chris: Yeah I would do it, I love spaghetti Burnie: All right, I’m not doing it I can’t do it, I like movies too much Burnie: I’m gonna give you…a million dollars AND…I’m also gonna give you the greatest dog in the whole world That dog just becomes an amazing dog It does whatever you want AND the dog can talk You can actually talk to a dog Colton: It can like verbalize its thoughts Burnie: Absolutely Here’s the problem: greatest dog in the world, it can talk to you, but nobody else in the world can see or hear this dog You cannot prove in any way that this dog exists and if you ever ignore the dog intentionally it loses the ability to talk Colton: And do I lose the million dollars? Burnie: No. You get to keep the million dollars Chris: You just silence your best friend Burnie: Let’s say you feed the dog You feed the dog and say “look it’s going to eat!” It’s just you showing a full bowl of food to everybody Even though the dog eats it, it still looks like a full bowl of food to them Colton: To the rest of the people Burnie: Everybody else Chris: What if it goes to the bathroom? Burnie: Nothing Chris: Invisible? Burnie: Totally invisible! Chris: So okay, so you have a guy that you don’t like and you go to dinner with him and you get your dog and you’re like “sit right there, sit right there” and then he’s sitting there and he’s just eating dog shit Burnie: He’d have no idea Chris: Invisible dog shit, and he’s just *eating sounds* Burnie: But that’s- only you would know Colton: I mean a talking dog is cool but if I can’t like use it to pick up chicks Like, that’s the best reason to have a dog I would take the million dollars, then I would ignore the dog So he couldn’t talk anymore, and then I’d just buy another dog Chris: So he dies a normal dog age like 12 or 15 Burnie: Sure Colton: If you don’t feed him though he’ll die in like 2 weeks (laughter) Burnie: And then you get a million dollars, yeah So could you live with that You get this magical dog Colton: I could live with that Look, I’ll kill a magic dog (laughter) Colton: For a million dollars Chris: No one would know you did it Colton: Yeah. Nobody’s gonna know, nobody’s gonna care Burnie: And you keep your million bucks Colton: I keep my million dollars Burnie: That’s a quick way to a million All right so, million dollars and magic dog to you Million dollars and a magic dog to you Chris: I would do it Burnie: All right, I’m 2 million dollars poorer Congratulations guys, you guys got 2 million bucks Chris: And a best friend Colton: Bury him in my backyard Burnie: Well gentlemen, I think that we learned a lot about each other today Join us next time. We’ll have 3 more terrible scenarios that we’ll subject each other to I’m not looking forward to it Colton: I am – If you liked this episode of Million Dollars But… check out last week’s and click here to subscribe

57 Replies to “Million Dollars, But… Magic Dogs & Muscle Men | Rooster Teeth”

  1. Having a dog that could speak would be awful. I think an important caveat would having a dog with human intelligence that could speak, because that would be totally different. A normal dog would just say stuff about enjoying things that squeak or chasing squirrels, whereas a dog with human intelligence could actually carry on a conversation. As this was not part of the scenario, I'd just let the magic dog go on his merry way (wouldn't kill it… couldn't do that) and get a normal one and keep the million bucks.

  2. If you take the muscle guy thing for one year to get one million dollars, what would happen if you keep the muscle guy thing for additional years? Would you get one million dollars every year you kept the muscle guy around? Because if I can have a bodybuilder bodyguard and get paid a million dollars every year – I'd be down for that. If not I'd have to say no because I'd just wind up spending my million dollars on keeping the bodybuilder bodyguard for as long as possible.

  3. I'd see if I could use the dog to make money! Attach a camera/phone, find out where I can get a bunch of money and boom, even more cash

  4. I see no downside to the first one. I'll always have a friend who can protect me if someone tries to attack me, and i no longer have to walk anywhere

  5. Was that Jon Risingers dog? Cuz if so, RIP magical pupper, may you forever be talking in the afterlife

  6. I am totally down with the super buff dude pushing my around in a stroller for a year. For a million dollars. We could literally do leg day every day and I wouldn't suffer the next day. I dont have to walk. That is like a free personal trainer.

    The spaghetti thing is ridiculous but I would deal with it. I dont really watch movies like that.

    As for magic dog I already have a dog, Cowboy. I'd just name my magic dog Cowboy as well, so I could call them both at the same time.

  7. hah, two years later ive found out how to prove the magic dog. tell it to stalk someone, and then tell them all of their secrets and say the dog told you

  8. I'd take the body builder for life. He could get me in shape so, just a muscular guy wheeling another muscular guy. And I'd forever be in shape.

  9. i'd think i'd do the first and second one but i'm curious are you capable of eating the spaghetti or would that essentially be impossible with it constantly flowing

  10. million dollars but a random type of object will have no collision so if you try to interact with the object you just go right through it and the object changes every day

  11. Garrett is in a Wheelchair
    Herman is in a boot
    Colton is being pushed around in a baby stroller.

    Dunn just hates using his legs lol

  12. Scenario 1: yes. He could be my bodyguard, personal assistant and personal trainer. I'm going to be
    Scenario 2: Yes. I don't go to the movie theaters anyway.
    Scenario 3: Yes.

  13. What I would do:
    No thank you
    I'll do what was said. I'll take it and then just get my own dog and keep the million dollars

  14. Dude that’s an invisible attack dog that no one can ever do anything about go raid Fort Knox

  15. Hey Colton I have a scenario: a million dollars but you have to run a theme park which is visited occasionally by aliens and an alien/human hybrid.

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