The Mueller Probe Enters The Home Stretch

The Mueller Probe Enters The Home Stretch


WELCOME. WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AND I WOULD LIKE TO–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU PEOPLE ARE AMAZING BECAUSE I
WAS ABOUT TO THANK EVERYBODY JOINING US TONIGHT OUT THERE,
BUT ESPECIALLY IN HERE. WHAT THEY DON’T KNOW OUT THERE
IS THAT THERE’S A SNOWSTORM IN NEW YORK TODAY. AND THESE PEOPLE IN HERE WAITED
FOR OVER AN HOUR IN ♪ THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW
AAAH♪ YOU GUYS ARE HEROES. THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. THERE’S ANOTHER STORM COMING
THOUGH, ANOTHER STORM COMING. BECAUSE “ROBERT MUELLER’S REPORT
MAY BE DELIVERED AS EARLY AS NEXT WEEK.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE’LL SEE. WE’LL SEE. WE DON’T KNOW. WE DON’T KNOW. AND HERE’S THE THING, IF MUELLER
FINISHES UP BY FRIDAY, HE WOULD STILL HAVE TWO DAYS LEFT TO PREP
SO HE CAN HOST THE OSCARS.( APPLAUSE )
“AND THE WINNER IS… REDACTED!”
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, THE REPORT, IT MIGHT BE RELEASED. WE DON’T KNOW. AND, EVEN IF IT IS, WE DON’T
KNOW WHEN THE PUBLIC WILL LEARN ANYTHING, BECAUSE UNDER THE
TERMS OF THE SPECIAL PROSECUTOR REGULATIONS, ROBERT MUELLER
FIRST HANDS THE REPORT TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL, WHO PLANS TO
SUBMIT A SUMMARY OF THE REPORT TO CONGRESS SOON AFTER. SO WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT WILL BE. WE MIGHT JUST GET THE BOOK
REPORT VERSION. “THE MUELLER REPORT WAS A REPORT
WRITTEN BY ROBERT MUELLER.( LAUGHTER )
IT HAD MANY PAGES AND WAS FULL OF INFORMATION REGARDING HIS
REPORT.( LAUGHTER )
I FOUND THE CHARACTER OF THE PRESIDENT TO BE CARTOONISH AND
UNBELIEVABLE. AND THE WHALE REPRESENTS GOD.”( LAUGHTER )
AND, ALTHOUGH THE RELEASE MAY BE SOON, MUELLER AND HIS
PROSECUTORS ARE STILL REPORTING TO WORK AS FREQUENTLY AS EVER,
PRESIDENTS’ DAY. WELL, OF COURSE. WELL, OF COURSE, OF COURSE! THAT’S THEIR PRESIDENTS’ DAY
BLOWOUT: EVERYONE IN THE OVAL OFFICE MUST GO!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LIKE IT. I REALLY LIKE THAT FEELING. SPEAKING– SPEAKING OF THE
RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, DONALD TRUMP WOULD PREFER THAT WE NOT
SPEAK OF THAT. IN FACT, HE HAS TRIED HARD TO
MAKE ALL THE INVESTIGATIONS OF HIM VANISH FASTER THAN A
CHEESEBURGER AT BEDTIME.( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY? YESTERDAY, “THE NEW YORK TIMES”
PUBLISHED A HUGE ARTICLE DESCRIBING EVERYTHING TRUMP HAS
TRIED IN THE LAST TWO YEARS TO OBSTRUCT THE INVESTIGATIONS
AGAINST HIM. IT IS A SHOCKING LIST:
FIRING HIS F.B.I. DIRECTOR, PRESSURING HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL,
THAT TIME HE PAINTED A FAKE TUNNEL ON A WALL WITH THE SIGN:
“MUELLER SEED THIS WAY.”( LAUGHTER )
OKAY. HERE’S THE THING: MOST OF THIS
STUFF IN THE ARTICLE WASN’T EVEN SECRET. WE KNEW ABOUT HIS FLAGRANT
ATTEMPTS TO STOP INVESTIGATIONS INTO WHAT RUSSIA DID TO OUR
ELECTION. BUT, AS “THE TIMES” PUT IT,
“AMERICANS HAVE LOST TRACK OF HOW UNUSUAL HIS BEHAVIOR IS.” PLEASE DON’T DO THAT. PLEASE DON’T LOSE TRACK.( LAUGHTER )
I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU THAT THAT MILDLY NAUSEOUS FEELING YOU
HAVE IS BECAUSE, FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS, DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN
SPINNING YOU IN A TUMBLE DRYER FULL OF TURD. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT’S ALL LIES. ALL OF IT! ALL OF IT! I MEAN, JUST THINK– IN
THE PRESIDENT ATTACKING HIS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, TRUSTING
PUTIN OVER HIS OWN INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY, CALLING THE F.B.I. A
BUNCH OF CORRUPT, DEEP-STATE COUP PLOTTERS IS NOT NORMAL. IT IS STRANGE. IT IS LIKE HOW JACK IN THE BOX
SELLS TACOS FOR SOME REASON. IT MAY NOT BE ILLEGAL, BUT IT
CERTAINLY VIOLATES SOMETHING SACRED. NOW, ONE NEW DETAIL WE LEARNED
IS ABOUT FORMER ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND MAN EMERGING FROM
BLACKOUT IN BASEMENT FULL OF BLOOD, MATT WHITAKER. LAST YEAR, THE PRESIDENT ASKED
MATT WHITAKER TO PUT ONE OF TRUMP’S ALLIES IN CHARGE OF THE
INVESTIGATION OF MICHAEL COHEN. WHEN ASKED IF THAT WOULD AMOUNT
TO OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE, A FORMER FEDERAL PROSECUTOR
REPLIED, “WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?”
NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN A PROSECUTOR FEELS NO NEED TO
ARGUE A CASE. “YOUR HONOR, THIS MAN IS GUILTY
BECAUSE… I MEAN, LOOK AT HIS BIG, STUPID
HEAD.”( LAUGHTER )
THE PROSECUTION RESTS.” AND REMEMBER, TRUMP HAS
REPEATEDLY ATTACKED THE INVESTIGATION, PUBLICLY CALLING
IT “THE RUSSIA HOAX,” “A WITCH HUNT,” AND “A FRANKENSTEIN
JAMBOREE.”( LAUGHTER )
NOW, ONE OF THOSE WE MADE UP.( LAUGHTER )
BUT TRUMP’S LEGAL TEAM SAYS THAT ALL OF THESE ATTACKS– ALL OF
HIS ATTACKS ON THE INVESTIGATION ARE A GOOD THING, ARGUING THAT
“THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN PUBLIC ABOUT HIS DISDAIN FOR THE
MUELLER INVESTIGATION AND OTHER FEDERAL INQUIRIES. SO HE IS HARDLY ENGAGED IN A
CONSPIRACY.” THAT’S YOUR LEGAL DEFENSE? HE’S INNOCENT BECAUSE HE’S NOT
HIDING IT?( LAUGHTER )
BECAUSE I’VE DEFINITELY SEEN SOME DOGS SITTING PROUDLY NEXT
TO A PILE OF POOP ON THE FLOOR, BUT I’M PRETTY SURE I KNOW WHO’S
GUILTY.( LAUGHTER )
DOING SOMETHING– BAD! BAD!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I’M SAYING– BAD! I’M SAYING BAD, BAD PRESIDENT! DOING SOMETHING PUBLICLY DOES
NOT MAKE IT INNOCENT. “HONEY, DON’T BE MAD. I DIDN’T CHEAT ON YOU BEHIND
YOUR BACK. I TAGGED YOUR SISTER ON THE
FRONT LAWN! UP TOP, BABY! UP TOP!”
HIS LAWYERS ALSO SAY THAT FIRING INVESTIGATORS IS NOT
OBSTRUCTION. IT’S JUST “DONALD TRUMP BEING
DONALD TRUMP.” OH, I GET IT. DONALD TRUMP ISN’T COMMITTING A
CRIME. DONALD TRUMP IS A CRIME. OF COURSE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.>>Jon: THE PEOPLE AGREE.>>Stephen: THANK YOU, CARVE
THAT IN STONE. OF COURSE, NOW ALL OF TRUMP’S
OBSTRUCTION EFFORTS ARE GOING TO BE DIRECTED AT NEW ATTORNEY
GENERAL AND GRANDPA CRYING AT THE DOG TRACK, WILLIAM BARR. AND IF BARR IS AT ALL GOOD AT
HIS JOB, HIS LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK. AS CONNECTICUT SENATOR RICHARD
BLUMENTHAL ADVISED, “BUCKLE IN, BECAUSE IT’S GOING TO BE A WILD
RIDE, MR. BARR. YOU AIN’T SEEN NOTHING YET.” NICELY DONE. NOT EVERY STATEMENT FROM A
SENATOR SOUNDS LIKE A MASH-UP OF ONE-LINERS FROM ’80s ACTION
MOVIES. “BUCKLE IN, MR. BARR, IT’S GONNA
BE A WILD RIDE, SO YOU’D BETTER LOCK AND LOAD, BECAUSE YOU’RE A
HARD MAN TO FIND, AND WE’VE GOT COMPANY. I AM GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS
(BLEEP). THAT JUST GOT REAL, AND HERE
COMES TROUBLE, BECAUSE THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL. IT’S GAME ON AND GAME OVER,
MAN.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GAME OVER! BLUMENTHAL THEN SAID OF BARR’S
NEW JOB, “THE BED WAS ON FIRE WHEN HE GOT INTO IT, SO TO
SPEAK.” THAT DOES NOT SOUND GOOD,
THAT GODOES NOT SOUND GOOD AT ALL. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HOW TRUMP
WOULD PUT OUT A FIRE ON A BED. EVEN–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALLEGEDLY. ALLEGEDLY.>>Jon: ALLEGEDLY. WE DON’T BE.>>Stephen: EVEN TRUMP KNOWS
THAT BARR HAS A TOUGH ROW TO HOE.>>I WANT TO WISH OUR NEW
ATTORNEY GENERAL GREAT LUCK AND SPEED AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE. BILL, GOOD LUCK.>>Stephen (AS TRUMP): “YES,
GOOD LUCK. ENJOY YOUR LIFE. MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR LORD. NOTIFY YOUR NEXT OF KIN. BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO MAKE YOUR
LIFE A BELLY FLOP DOWN A 50-FOOT CHEESE GRATER INTO
A VAT OF GIN.”

100 Replies to “The Mueller Probe Enters The Home Stretch”

  1. After 2+ years you guys still don't know anything but insist there's something…and even think its funny to make a joke about the lack of any substance relating to the charges….no wonder youre know as libtards.

  2. Trump cannot compliment or congratulate, empathise, give 'well wishes' or any of that type of thing without making it so cringe worthy, I get embarrassed just watching the Buffoon I would honestly like to sit the guy down and make him do an IQ test because I would guarantee it would come back in the 90's or less. …He is so awkward, looks and sounds so goddamn false and full of shit, it's unbelievable….
    THIS is the person who America picked to lead their country? …are you kidding me?

  3. The silver linings of Trump is hopefully he's destroyed the GOP, he's gotten more people interested in DC, and he IS funny b/c he's an idiot who clearly never went to school and says the darndest things, like children.

  4. I am pretty sure that America will let Trump get away with everything. They will also ellect him again as president next year.

    america is crazy like that

  5. SO FUNNY AND TRUE! TRUMP IS A BIG JOKE AND THE WHOLE WORLD KNOW'S IT!๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ˜„๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ‘๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ๐ŸŒŸ

  6. $4700 in total was spent by "russian hackers" to influence the 2016 election according to Google CEO Sundar Pichai….You morons live in a fantasy world where that is worthy of a 2+ year "investigation" ๐Ÿ˜‰ LMAO…

  7. yea putin and kremlin said lets get Donny boy elected because he will do more damage than any nukes we got,, since day 1 he has been attacking DOJ THE FBI THE DOD you name it,, and if you don't bow down kiss hiss feet you gone! and the people he puts around him all criminal going to prison, either he lacks judgment or hey you kind of my people…..

  8. IF Barr is any good at his job, you say? Wow, that is olympic-quality optimism there; that is denial worthy of a white house press secretary. After all, Precedent Rump appointed him, and HE knows all the very best incompetent idiots and corrupt shills — and that's ALL he knows. Seriously, only a total fool or madman would be caught dead associating with a turd-mongering moron like Trump.

  9. All the shit we know about him doing is already the worst… imagine whatโ€™s so bad they have to keep it a secret from us until the end of next week lol

  10. Why haven't they arrested Trump and impeached him yet?…All his so called good friends that he put in, are now arrested…But he's the ringleader of all the corruption and collusion…I guess money talks, and facts don't matter.

  11. I can always see his pee-pee tape jokes coming a mile away. I'm here because I love Colbert, and I'm not one of those people who pop up in the comments because they somehow always have enough time to even watch the shows they hate. But Stephen really does shoehorn those jokes in there any way he can.
    I wish he'd save it for the really good ones so they had more impact. They're starting to get a tad embarassing like the juvenile coverage from the other side.

  12. If Donald Trump is a crime… I look forward to him being committed. Heck, I've been saying he should be committed for years, but the psychiatrists I work with sadly aren't involved in his care.

  13. Mueller has so much work yet to do. There won't be a final report for probably at least 8 months. He's shown absolutely no sign of slowing down, no indications from his investigation that they're winding down, and anyone suggesting otherwise is coming from the GOP. They want everyone to think it's almost over. It took over a decade to finish the investigation into Watergate and from all the available information the public DOES have access to, this investigation will turn up so much more corruption… This is a marathon, people, not a sprint.

  14. "One of these we made up" โ€ฆ Well it's obvious that it has to be Frankenstein jamboree since Trump could never pronounce jamboree.

  15. Why would you denounce Bernie Sanders. He lost family to the Nazis and will be the first Jewish president. I'm 21, and my generation supports him. So you're losing your fan base by trying to demonize this great man

  16. Mr. Colbert, my hero took a hit today. I got the mugs I ordered from your store. The, "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck." it hurts my heart because they were made in China. ๐Ÿ™ Not cool Sir. ๐Ÿ™ Songs

  17. Not necessarily an action movie:
    "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night." Bette Davis, All About Eve

  18. Please Mr. Mueller, save this great country I love and cherish from a traitor dictator and take it back from ๐Ÿ‡ท๐Ÿ‡บ. Let the light of freedom be restore.

  19. Hope springs eternal. If this wraps up quickly and the pack Trumpie off to Moscow, will we have another election or will our new prez be the syochphant Pence. He sold his soul to this devil. We canโ€™t win.

  20. I think there is a very good chance that Trump will get out of all the charges and will even win the next election and it is also quite possible that Trump will come up with exceuses not to leave office, with GOP support! America is really in danger, not from Trump's murdering dictator friends but from Trump and the Republicans and the right wing propaganda machine from within!

  21. The end is near, but itโ€™s for this washed up has been Colbert. How has this phony stayed on a major network for any length of time?

  22. Anyone who randomly drops a Zeppelin line, makes them jump a million levels in my book. And I already love Stephen! โค๏ธ

  23. After all is said and done, the imbecile Trump will still be sitting pretty and planning his (God forbid) re-election. I have lost my patience.

  24. "Another storm comin"… Hahahaha Mueller's report says no collusion.

    You're all sheep. You're all stewing in an insipid hatred for Trump. Because your overlords programmed you through mainstream media to stew in a vat of your own insipid hatred. Now us conservatives are waiting for the next lies you try to assert as truth. And we will eventually prove them to be lies also.
    But just as this time, you will drag America through hell for years in doing so.

    This isn't about the betterment of the country for you guys, you'll try to pin anything on him, just to serve this insipid hatred you have. You don't want to punish a man for doing wrong, you want to find a crime to pin on him with endless false accusations to serve your desire to destroy him.

    Trump was right. You were wrong.

  25. People outside the US may understimate the national emergency about Trumpยดs wall. They say Trump is a global emergency.

  26. No wonder Liberals believe the Russian collusion. Number 1 They have been spoon fed the shit for two years Number 2 They're not very bright. Fast forward a month, guess what? No Russian Collusion idiots. What a bunch of morons.

  27. The lesson for Colbert and all these media propagandists: don't count your chickens before they've hatched!!!

  28. Happy No Collusion Day everyone. We are all winners Steven Colbert? Apology accepted you lying clown…

  29. Hello Colbert, how do you feel right about now?
    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

  30. Is this the beginning of the end, Stephen? Ha ha ha, what a fool. How many sardines does the show go thru every night? Is there a big mess at the end for the janitors to clean up?

  31. Colbert is nothing without Trump. Colbert has been wrong 98% of the time with regards to Trump. Why would anyone believe this fool anymore.

  32. i'm desheartened that: 1. were still laughing 2. some of us actually believe trump is gonna be held accountable, by anyone.. aside from our vicious .. laughter. 3. see #1 or #2.

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