Transitioning Isn’t Just about The Body, Muscles [Hayden Royalty]

Transitioning Isn’t Just about The Body, Muscles [Hayden Royalty]


Did you ever feel like backing out? yes. a lot? yes. I had flashbacks of something my mom, my parents had told me when I when they first discovered that I wanted to identify as a lesbian back in high
school and their message to me at that time was your triple minority. you’re black, you’re female, and you’re from a very middle class educated family. Do you want to add another checkbox and give people more ammunition and that
really hurt and I didn’t realize how much it hurt til I started going through
this process when I thought to myself I’m going to let them down. This is going
to hurt their legacy and the legacy that I’m trying to establish in their name
and everything that they worked for. there were moments of “well maybe you, you know, can just make living an androgynous life better. You need to work
within those confines of what a androgyny is and being gender fluid is. And you know all the different labels in that middle ground. So I felt like “okay, am i
hurting my lesbian community if I separate myself from that? Am I making
that community weaker? Am I a traitor? That’s something that I constantly kind
of still wrestle with is. Am I a traitor to the sex I was born into, the culture
of strong powerful awesome beautiful butch women. You know, androgynous cis
women or you know gender fluid women whatever label you come under but that whole community that whole sector of the community. I
felt like I’m betraying them and they’re never gonna let me they’re never going
to trust me if I look like something that is an enemy to them and I started
thinking about every woman who had been through traumatic experience with a man
whether sexual assault emotional abuse whatever the case may be and I was like
I might be triggering to somebody in the future I might just by my very presence.
I’m gonna have to micromanage myself way more than I ever thought I would. And is
that something I want for the next 40, 50 years of my life? Or do I want to just
take the leap of faith and do me and try to be a better representation of
something half of this the world that the other half the world hates as a
whole you know it has such a negative stigma against. wow it’s like powerful stuff. yeah!! I think the thing about transitioning that people don’t
talk about and it may just be wisdom old age vs. youth but transitioning is not
just “oh look at my body I got muscles, I got a six-pack look, you know. I can wear
like… be topless like there’s a whole undercurrent of mental and emotional
processes that could it’s not the same for everybody that occur. These micro
aggressions that you start second-guessing and becoming hyper aware
of and it’s like “Oh am I losing my feminist card? How do I stand up for
women without mansplaining how do you know like all these things
that people are so hypersensitive to now and you have to be aware of. I changed
the way I walk around women. I make sure I keep my distance so I’m not
intimidating and you know again not triggering somebody to like oh that
ex-boyfriend of mine and you look like and you know yeah sorry like that’s not
me at all and the other piece of at least for my experience was ‘am I
ready to lose a part of my queer identity by passing whatever that means
for different people’ you know how do I find a… how do I fit into the spectrum
the LGBTQ when T is so often separated it’s like okay you’re passing as a cis
person so you don’t belong to our community any more. you’re no longer queer
because now you pass so you don’t have a right to say anything about our struggle. you know you went through your struggle you made a choice and you
decide to do this and so there’s still a little bit of that tension amongst the
letters. I say that because there are a lot of them like plus plus plus plus
I’m an old generation. LGBT. that’s it but I know representation matters so
I’ll say the spectrum the spectrum of the alphabet for us. I think as
an older person you do start to reflect on the generational gaps and how you’re
being perceived and the choices that you’re making for yourself which are not
easy choices, how people respond have you ever considered being more public and
having a platform as like a person who transitioned later in their life. I am working on that. It is about transitioning here and being a person of
color and being older and all those the intersectionalities of all of my
experiences here because it was a journey that I certainly did not expect
when I first came right yeah. they really caught me off guard and kind of threw me for a loop to be honest with you. I don’t regret it I don’t regret the
decisions I’ve made but parts of me wish I could have known earlier in my life or
been just comfortable being in androgynous and I think there’s still a lot of
stigmas of being masculine and androgynous
and a person of color. I think there’s a lot of stigmas that kind of go into that
I felt like at times during the transition I felt like oh maybe I’m with
this copping out maybe I’m just take an easy easy road
which is not an easy road I mean choosing to live as a black man
is no more or less easier than living as a black woman let’s be honest and so
it’s just like what do I need to do for me and so those are some some of the
issues that I address in my book and I also address living in a foreign country
and what our expectations of living and working in a country that’s not your own
and what does that mean professionally what does it mean socially and some of
the surprising ways that you you got to give people credit sometimes sometimes
you need to be cautious but sometimes you just need to get people credit and
they will surprise you you

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